Before This & After This

“there are moments that mark your
life, moments when you realize nothing
will ever be the same. and time is divided
into two parts, before this and after this.”

To our sweet angel baby,

You never grew big enough for us to see you on an ultrasound or hear your beating heart. We will never know why we lost you so early, just one day shy of 5 weeks, but you are as real to us as the sky is blue.

On Sunday April 14th I waited anxiously to see the results of the pregnancy test. That morning I woke your dad up to ask him if I was seeing things; was that really a faint line I could see? He saw it too but it was faint. That afternoon we picked up a digital test because we wanted to be sure. We wanted to know if you really were busy growing away.

Your dad was in the kitchen putting away groceries and those were three very long minutes watching the timer flash. Finally, “pregnant”. I ran out to show your dad and he picked me up and gave me a big kiss. It all felt surreal but we were so excited. We took turns getting pictures of the positive test and I kept looking at him with a big grin. We were going to have a baby.

Over the next few days we talked about you all day. Your dad would lay with me on the couch and put his head on my stomach, kiss you even though you were so tiny in there. Slowly I began to feel more symptoms, I began to feel pregnant.

On Friday your dad picked me up on my lunch hour and we went to the doctor to confirm everything. I told him how I was so excited to hear someone else say to us that this was real, that we were really going to be parents. I thought they would confirm with a blood test but they only did a urine test, we were in and out quickly and stopped for a vanilla frosty on the way back to work.

As we sat talking in the car my phone rang – the nurse was calling to give me my results. “The test was negative,” she said. How could it be negative? I had taken 4 tests by then and they were all positive. She said I could come back for blood work the next week to check my levels. After work that night I took another test and breathed a sigh of relief to see again that it was clearly positive. Deep down though, I think I knew something wasn’t right.

Sunday morning, just a short but very long week after you came into our lives, I woke up at 6 am and couldn’t fall back asleep. Eventually I drifted off and woke up around 9 and decided to take the last test we had. Before I had the chance to see that it was negative I began bleeding, we were losing you.

Unsure of what to do I called the nurse who told us to go to the emergency room. They weighed me and asked me what happened, then put a barcoded bracelet on my wrist and had me take another urine test. Finally we were called back to a room and the doctor came in and again asked what happened. The test had come back negative but she wanted to do a blood draw. They took two vials and left an IV in my arm. The wait was so long but finally we got the confirmation, I had miscarried.

Your dad held me as I cried last night, he has been so strong through this even though his heart is breaking too. We will never know what happend to you but we will always love you, you will always be our angel baby.

Love,

Your mom and dad

Early miscarriage, and miscarriage in general, is not frequently talked about. My official diagnosis was a blighted ovum but I had no idea what that was. Searching for answers led me to a lot of sad stories but I wanted to share ours. Thankfully the doctor told us this is more common than most people think and we have been cleared to continue on our journey to starting a family. A miscarriage, no matter how early, is still a loss and this has forever changed Eric and I. Hopefully one day soon we will be able to share the good news of another baby on the way.

 

 

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4 responses to “Before This & After This

  1. I’m so sorry for your loss, you and Eric will be wonderful parents someday. I’m so glad you found such. Wonderful man Andrea, he is truly an amazing person and you two are more than perfect for each other, can’t wait to hear when you are pregnant again, best of luck and have fun trying, that’s the best part right : )

  2. Suuuuper late commenting here.

    I’m sure you know by know you’re not alone. I HATE this for you, and I know how incredibly difficult it can be. We saw our baby on an ultrasound the day before I miscarried, but there was only a tiny little flicker that “might” have been a heartbeat. I’m not sure which is worse – seeing that little baby on a screen or not. UGH. This kind of loss changes you, completely. Please let me know if you need/want to talk.

    • Thank you hun, like a lot of things time has made it easier. And you are right, once that happened I knew things would never be quite the same – especially on our journey to parenthood.

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